Let Me Be Myself

When Jon was in DC visiting, we hung out and had some great great times. He loved the fact that Rhett would come jump on his bed every morning and wake him up. Again, I will say how much I loved Jon and Rhett's relationship. They lit up the room with their love for each other. Jon and me would walk to Starbucks and get coffee while Josh and Rhett stayed at the condo.
He asked me a hundred times if I had heard the song "Let me be Myself" by 3 Doors Down.
I being in 2 year old kids song mode, obviously had not heard it.
Finally, one day I downloaded it for him on itunes. I didn't even listen to the words.
I have been looking in the cracks of the couch and all around for something he left here, and haven't found a thing. This disappointed me a little bit.
Tonight Josh and me were looking for a Third Day song on itunes and I came across the song I had downloaded for him. I had completely forgotten about it.
It completely blew me away and sent me into a breakdown. Here are the words to the song.

I guess i just got lost
Bein' someone else
I tried to kill the pain
Nothin ever helped
I left myself behind
Somewhere along the way
Hopin to come back around
To find myself someday
Lately i'm so tired of waiting for you
To say that it's ok, but tell me
Please, would you one time
Just let me be myself
So i can shine with my own light
Let me be myself
Would you let me be myself

I'll never find my heart
Behind someone else
I'll never see the light of day
Living in this cell
It's time to make my way
Into the world i knew
Take back all of these times
That i gave in to you
Lately i'm so tired of waiting for you
To say that it's ok,
but tell mePlease,
would you one timeLet me be myself
So i can shine with my own light
And let me be myself
For a while, if you don't mind
Let me be myself
So i can shine with my own light
Let me be myself
That's all i've ever wanted from this world
Is to let me be me

-This song just spoke volumes to me. Because so many times I didn't understand him. He even said that so many times.
Now I understand him.
We knew he had struggles. He had triumphs too! I am so thankful that in his last few months, he found people to understand him, people that were going through the same things he was.
I have felt this coming on, because I have had some really good days. I am glad that I found this song because it gives me a little bit more of a glimpse into Jon's heart and mind. I first found it as a discouragement. I felt like I should have understood him more. I just felt so sad that he had to endure pain like this. I quickly realized that Satan is at work all of the time. He is trying to take away my peace.
I feel like now that as Christian's, we have to try and be more understanding of people. We can't be so judgemental. We take so much of peoples struggles and instantly degrade them, talk behind their backs or simply judge them in our heads. We need to put a little bit more of Jesus on and show them love and compassion. We don't have to fully understand them, we just have to love them.
One thing Jon and me talked about a few weeks ago was how much he hated to hear someone talk bad about another person. He said, I know people don't really mean harm by it but I just don't like to hear it. He got so fired up about it. That was Jon. He showed people love and compassion no matter what. I never heard him say a bad thing about anyone. He always gave them the benefit of the doubt.
Jon Willingham is leaving behind a wonderful legacy. He lives on through people and the stories people remember about him. So even though he had valleys, he had mountains too!
Now through his wonderful examples, he is having TRIUMPHS! Through Jon there can be many more mountains!
People come in and out of your life. God sends these people in your life for a reason. Jon was one of those people to me. Through Jon I am seeing glorious glimpses into our wonderful Lord. Thank you Jon. I love you and always will.
Please continue the prayers you are sending up on behalf of our family. We appreciate each and every one of you for your love and support.

Jon Robert Wickin Wackin Sugar Ray Gomer Slick Weenie Willingham

It has been a long time since my last post. As I begin this new one, I am not even sure I can write it.

Right now, Josh is at the field trying to go on with his everyday life as best as he can right now. Rhett is fast asleep. Denise, David and family are in Gulf Shores trying to enjoy a vacation they look forward to every year. It is difficult to be away from all of our family and friends during this time but we can do it because we have a God that can be 2, 3, 4......places at once.

I don't even know where to begin right now and I will go ahead and apologize for my scattered thoughts.

It has been 10 days since Jon passed away. We are making it. We have good hours and bad hours. God is not giving us anything we can't handle.

Josh was called by our wonderful God to talk about Jon at the funeral. We had been talking about Jon Saturday night and I left the room for a moment. Josh came into where I was and said he was being led to get up there and talk about his brother. To show everyone Jon's heart. All I can say is that he was definitely called. There is no other way Josh would have or could have gotten up there. He began to write and the words flowed so easily for him. He got to a point where he had to take a break. He then came in the room and said that God had given him the exact words to say and that he was going to write them down. Those words are what has gotten us through these last several days. It had to do with where Jon's heart was. He was finally right with God. Jon had found his FAITH. He was a new man, yet the old boy we had missed for so long. God took Jon when he was ready.

I have to brag on Josh. When he got up there and stood so strong talking about his brother, I saw a mature GODLY man. Josh is truly a righteous man. I am so proud of him. He wanted others to see into Jon's BEAUTIFUL heart. God allowed him to do that and Josh recognized it was from God.

Jon was a sweetheart. He was the kindest most gentle good-hearted person I knew. That is a fact.

I believe with all of my heart that Jon is affecting so many people.

My daddy had a great point regarding Jon giving his heart to help someone else live: He said, there was someone out there that needed a heart. There were people praying for that person. Someones son, Dad, brother, sister, mom, daughter or friend needed that heart. God didn't choose that person over Jon. He answered both prayers. Jon doesn't have to suffer on this Earth anymore. He is able to finally be free from the struggles we all have on this Earth. Jon's burdens have been lifted. As horrible as it is to miss Jon, someone else is living. Someone else can now help others.

Jon struggled. There is no doubt about that. We ALL struggle. His struggles were no different than any of ours, they just had bigger, more obvious consequences. Jon was working hard to overcome them. Jesus died for a reason. His grace is AMAZING. The words to "Amazing Grace" are ringing loud in my ears.

I believe that through Jon's death, there will be changed hearts. My heart is forever changed now. All I want to do is "Go tell it on the mountain!" Where would we be without God right now? I cannot imagine.

Josh and me are sad. Our hearts are very heavy at times. There are more horribly sad days to come, I know. But we have a peace. A peace that only our Heavenly Father can give. He is so good to wrap his arms around our hearts and protect them.

Jon was a good buddy to me. I loved Jon so much. I loved hanging out with him. We had some long and wonderful talks just weeks ago about his struggles and his new found faith. He was trying so hard. He was so excited about his new life. He couldn't wait to show me verses in the Bible and paragraphs from books that was helping him. He was a work in progress. "The God thing" was really coming for him and making sense. I am so THANKFUL for those glimpses into his heart and mind. He made me laugh so much. I loved how he played with Rhett. He got on his level, like he did with so many kids. He made them feel so special. He got Rhett a Matchbox race car set for Christmas. They loved to play with that thing. Rhett will miss his sweet Uncle Jon.

I am reminded of Jesus and how he gave his life for us to live. TO LIVE. He literally suffered and died for us so that we may live. What are we doing to live? Are we living a life that is worth what Jesus did for us? I had become so complacent. Already through Jon's death, I see the point. I want others to be able to experience the peace that I have been given and the peace that Josh has been given. I feel like now I am on a mission. A mission I should have started a long time ago. That mission is to live that life that is worthy of Jesus' death.

Jon is forever in our hearts. I will always be reminded of his beautiful heart. I will miss him dearly, but am reminded that I will see him again someday.

That day will be a glad day.